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What’s up Dedan?  I need your advice.  About a week ago a friend of mine found this guy’s profile on MySpace.  She reached out to him to let him know that even though she used to date his friend, she has always had a small crush on him.  She never expressed her feelings to the guy for two reasons.  One, because she was dating his friend, and two because she was only 14 and thought he was younger than her (though it turned out he wasn’t).

They are both grown now, and she figured that she would let him know how she felt about him all this time.  She was very careful not to make herself look like a whore by letting him know that even though she had these feelings, she kept them to herself out of respect for his friend.  Anyway, it turned out that he felt the same way about her.  He revealed that he secretly had a crush on her as well.

The following week they talked on the phone, and spent a few hours together at her place to chat, and get reacquainted.  After he left, it was a week or so before she heard back from him.

One afternoon, his number showed up on the caller I.D.  When she called him back, it happened to be 2:30 in the morning.  He answered, and they talked for a couple of minutes before he started to make sexual references towards her.  He asked her to come over, but she said no because it was too late.  Immediately he got mad and started cussing her out, saying that she’s playing games, and that the only reason for a woman to be calling a guy that late is for sex.  He said, and I quote, “Look, you told me you had a crush on me.  You call me at 2:00 a.m., so I’m trying to F**K.  So what’s up?”  My friend was appalled, and hung up on him.

So my questions to you are:

1. If the female takes the first step and approaches a male, does that mean that she wants to have sex with him?
2. Why does the fact that she returned his call at 2:30 in the morning, mean that he should suspect that she was calling to give him some?
3. After reading many articles (Essence, Cosmo, etc.) about the new age woman, and how it’s ok for women to approach men, do you think this is logical?  Especially since it seems that most men can't accept it as a genuine show of interest, instead of an attempt to have sex with them.

My Advice:

This is a good topic because it’s an issue that often comes up between men and women when they are first getting to know each other.  Early in relationships, it’s very easy for both men and women to give off the wrong impressions by saying certain things.  Women need to realize that even though you’re saying one thing, a man may take that same thing, and assume that you mean something totally different.  It could be something as innocent as asking a guy to dance in a club.  As a woman you hear a song that you love, and you want to dance, so you ask a guy standing there with his friends to accompany you to the dance floor.  He and his friends are probably going to have a laugh, and look at that as you “coming onto him” or “cracking” on him.  That guy is going to think that you want to give him your number, and maybe even a little more, just because you wanted to dance.  Now, is this right for the man to assume that’s how you feel? No, of course not.  But unfortunately, that’s just how it is sometimes.

There’s nothing wrong with a woman taking the initiative and approaching a guy.  In fact, I love for things like that to happen.  Too often, women put all the responsibility on the man.  If you like the guy, just introduce yourself.  There’s a way to go about it so that mixed signals aren’t sent.

Your friend’s situation is a little different though.  I can see why this guy assumed that your friend was calling for more than just a talk.  Most of the time if a woman calls a guy who she doesn’t know that well, especially at 2:00 a.m., it’s a booty call.  Of course there are exceptions, but that’s just generally speaking.  Your friend should have known the type of impression her calling at that hour would give off.

A friend of mine and I were having a discussion the other day about sending text messages to someone who has a girlfriend at 2:00 in the morning.  Even though that person and you may have an understanding that you’re just friends, that person’s girlfriend may feel like that’s disrespectful because of the impression that it gives off.

The point of all this is that instead of only seeing things from your perspective, before you do certain things, try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person to see how they might take it.